If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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