The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
