so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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