Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
