just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
