Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
