nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
