if you like me you must not know who I am
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The feeling are messing with the penis
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
