no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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