This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
