That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
