God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Nicole vs. Life
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize