we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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