i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
