You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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