i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
