Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This toilet bowl is my home.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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