uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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