why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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