My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
