Soap is not a condiment
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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