All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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