chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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