Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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