My friends, they love my intelligence
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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