Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
