I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
