What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
be right there i have to get my cape
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
