Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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