i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize