I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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