Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
