Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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