I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I believe in your delicious
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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