I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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