It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
