I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
