ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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