she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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