Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
