i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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