Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
