Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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