so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
