you're like a bully in the Christmas story
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
