Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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