I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize