The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
