Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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