She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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