Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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