Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
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