her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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