Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
