Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize