Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
