I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
