fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize