His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
