I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
