I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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